Wednesday, July 11, 2007

A Selfish Existence...

I was in the process of taking up another tag from Silverine but what struck me midway as I wrote it was I didn't know the real India of today at all to finish that post. And I digressed. When the summer began I had anticipated initiative, peace and drive to fill up in me. Nothing like that happened, beginnings were made but never finished. A little over 5 years have gone by since I stepped out of my home. In my heady youth filled with non-stop excitement I skipped the most important question of modern life - a career. No one warned me either. Everyone thought I'd figured it out already. The question came back to haunt me with a vengeance when I turned 25 and has seared my soul into searching for the answer ever since. Its almost 2 years and that search still goes on...

A few days back I inadvertently caught myself in the midst of doing a tally up of my debt, duties and plans. It still revolved around money, money that will burn another few years of my precious twenties and a fleeting moment of disgust passed by before I returned to happier fancies. India has been in my thoughts but fact is I am a stranger even in my own home. For me, India is an IDEA. I haven't known what it is to work there, I havenot known the pinch of paying Rs.50 for a litre of petrol, of going to a wedding and being expected to gift nothing less than gold, of falling sick and reconciling to a huge medical bill. I am a simple fool who knows nothing of cost of living, all I think of is some dreams of returning to a glorified past, which today seems a make-believe nest weaved inside a cocoon built over years of effort put in by my parents. A few years back I warned my friends in trivandrum, Shan and Anoop that they were leading a too lavish lifestyle. Their reply was a lesson on New India that still fails to strike root in me. "When you spend more, the drive and ambition to earn more also increases"...this was the answer they gave me and it sent shock-waves through my antiquated system for a few seconds...I was still in the world of my parents and their generation who disparaged any wasteful expenses.

When the accursed first discussion on my wedding plans came up and I replied with a fierce indignation which surprised me that I would marry only if I can live in India...Pops quoted me a desired earning of 1 lakh a month in trivandrum, for me to sustain the family and the high standard of living he has maintained so far. Should I do an MBA in India and get a firm foothold on home soil? The thought troubles me, because unlike the corporate-obsessed youngster I was a few years back, the same thought of working for them feels revolting nowadays. Which brings me to the status-quo. I go work, I come back, take a long nap, some days I hit the gym, other days I watch a good movie, browse for a while and then go back to the struggle of getting another few hours of sleep. I stay away from my friends in the US, much to their pain and anger, but they are from my past. My present is a struggle to thrash a way out for my future and the deluge of free advice I keep getting irritates me. I never thought the reclusive trait in me would resurface but it has. Solitude is bliss and the cellphone is a bitch. Reading has suffered and the booklist I had made up many months back to start on still awaits my perusal. Blogging works best when your mind is clear and thoughts flow in order, but its a churn in there and I unfortunately have sidelined this hobby too.

I don't know and havent cared what picture of me people take out of this blog. I have been warned to stay away from writing personal or negative stuff on this blog because of some news-piduthakaar "anubhaavikal" back in Kerala and I acquiesced for a few months. But this blog is for me. It is to remind me years later of the person I was, the angst I've been through and the person I want to become. The weaknesses in is time to kill it.


Vinod/Kakka said...

The death of a dream, or a lack of a dream is something that haunts me. All through my life, I had dreamt of a life where I would grow up, get a good job so that my family would have more financial security, get married, have kids, and be happy.
Most of what I wanted happened. The unexpected robbed me of my dreams: 10 years back, I used to live in close proximity to my grandparents, with my parents and brothers. My brothers and I went to school together, three loyolites who lived out of the city, and not really a part of the urban, hep crowd.
10 years robbed me of my grandparents, my parents and 1 of my brothers. During my mothers funeral last year, my brother was saying "of 7, there are now 2". My fortune rubbed on my wife, and she lost a sister.
There are times when I dream of dreaming: Dream of making new hopes.
I made a blog called "The life of Kakka" of writing about my life experiences: Wrote a few blogs, but then removed it. The problem is a disconnect between my projected image in my personal life (though tough to imagine, I am NOT a bitter or sad or overtly critical person in person), and that which would come out when I write.
I have lots of friends around me: I care not for most of them. Living a hypocritical life is most difficult when I am aware of the same.
I come to office and do no work. I find it impossible that people can actually be enthusiastic about work. Is what I am doing too easy for me? I know not where the disinterest comes from.
I am not even sure what this has to do with your original post. Maybe its my way of saying you are not alone in your dilemmas. If I ever get out of this rut, I will advise you :-)

Jiby said...

Vinodcheta, i left the comment section open for this post hoping atleast one comment like the one you wrote down would make its way to me. Thank you very much for taking the time to pen your thoughts down for me. I am at a loss to say anything other than... Thank You.