As 2004 slips away....

This year marked a watershed in my life...all along i felt like a tourist thrown out of a place even before he cud even relish its sights and sounds. Well I was talking about leaving the secure, abounding-with-friends confines of academic life and entering the treacherous uncertainities of a professional career. Today I feel a bit disenchanted with two successive career missteps, piling financial responsibilities and increasing apathy to my job. While sleeping I dream of looking aggressively for a career change...but the mornings injects me with some realism...I head back to work deciding to bide my time.

My memories of the early part of the year are fading away...but as this year has been all through...it began with trying to rustle up funds ...to pay my fees...as I was declined financial aid for the semester. I had just been back from a memorable holiday at rochester with viswan and totally bankrupt just 3-4 days into the holiday.anyways borrowed money from friends and family and tided that crisis. I also took a directed research course in software testing which would make sure I had a happy-go-lucky time for the rest of the sem unlike last year. My work at the film school was turning interesting...this being the 75th anniversary of the school and my boss, Justin being in the thick of things...I helped himorganize many movie screenings we did this year. I tried to live frugally to pay off the debts but somehow I never saved much. My job applying hadnt yet picked up speed despite my best intentions and i remember sleeping 12 hour days and yet waking up crying for more. Time flew mercilessly and before I was ready to accept it my parents were visiting me for graduation and the simmering restlessness from being unemployed bustled about me and I regret today the half-hearted cold welcome I gave them then. Anways they felt really happy and proud seeing me graduate. I skipped my graduation party sulking and reasoning that only the guys with a job need to celebrate. I was given a grand farewell by the film school staff and was showered with a lot of gifts.Anyways job applying picked up speed suddenly and before I realized it I had a job in hand and the propspect of moving out of LA also looming.

The shift to SD was an expensive and in hindsight an ill-conceived one. All the happiness I had in life emanated from the company of good friends whom I thought would never be in short supply considering the enormous influence they played even in a city far away from TVM like LA. SMS.ac was like a slave-trader who made us work like robots and paid us too less to manage a decent lifestyle. But I doubt if any other company would hire a software engineer with no prior .Net experience and blood him on crucial projects and responsibilities amongst tight deadlines. I got better at my craft but with Jisha coming and the car also to be taken care of I needed more dough and somehow I fretted and convinced myself to walk out. Then followed another six weeks of frustration where I kept getting tantalizingly close to jobs but nothing materialising until I fell prey to two desi consultants who referred me to a job here where I feel more trapped and stifled than ever.

I dont know where I am going wrong. Some people get better when they have responsibilities but I still stumble. Am not being able to spark enthusiasm for this job. Cant leave as I have no bank balance and cant ask my parents for cash to fund me while I look about as they have my sis to think about. I am definitely tougher than I was...until some months back it was easy to cry at my state of affairs but now tears refuse to come...i have broodingly accepted my helplessness and found comfort in the belief that my destiny will have better things in store. The church used to be my place of refuge in times of emotional turmoil...now not having one close by has caused me to loose that habit. I have a friend who fought back from the verge of a suicidal situation. I believe we all have reserves of courage, devotion, faith and discipline which gets a chance to be revealed only when we are tested to the max.

Well its time for resolutions...I have never been good at making them or following them. Anyways I figure that having a plan is better than none. ..For starters I am going in for a career change...whatever the price I will have to pay I am leaving software behind...have never regretting anything I have done till now...both the good and bad leaves me wondering...whether I have a conscience! If i loose here this will be my last battle in the US... I came here oozing with confidence, the American Dream wud make my life...but its all eroded away... like the migratory birds which went away looking for better horizons i will come back to my nesting place.....eventually!